Let me check my calendar

How is it that during the winter months it seems like I end up caving in the comfort of my own home and within days of the temperature hitting sixty degrees...suddenly I can't seem to find a moment of time to myself. It's literally the end of April / beginning of May and realistically my summer is already planned almost up to if not including the 4th of July?

There's my sister's bridal shower, her bachelorette, her wedding, INXS concert, the community yard sale, Jimmy Buffett concert, weekend helping Mom with grandma's house, the estimate for our movers, the meeting with a lawyer, the meeting with the mortgage people, the realtor, the deck people, the landscapers, a fondue party, children's birthday party, husband's golf outing, tenative girl's weekend, and possible 4th of July jaunt to the Poconos. Throw in a couple party weekends... Plus, I have to find sometime in all this to meet with the electrician, the builder, the plumber (unscheduled as of today) -- AND start getting our current house ready to show / move out of. Never mind the basics of work, kid, and laundry -- laundry alone could take up a weekend of life!!

I mean, how is it possible I have all this going on and it's not yet even socially acceptable to wear white shoes???

Bush Welcomes Hu to White House

Who?

President Hu of China…

What?

No, Hu. Wha Cheong Tai is a Chinese company punished with economic sanction for selling arms to Iran.

When?

No, Hu. Wen is the Premier of the State Council of the People's Republic of China. Took office in 2003

Where?

No, Hu! Wei is an ancient Chinese name for Japan..

Why?

No, Hu! You’re thinking of Wai Lin, the journalist/Chinese agent from that Bond film, Tommorow Never Dies.

How?

No, Hu!! Ho Chi Minh’s like from the 1970’s – Vietnam, man.

Hodge Podge

It’s been a few days and I feel like I should have posted something by now. I’ve started a few entries, but by the second paragraph I’ve questioned the scope of what I was thinking and just haven’t bothered.

So…since I feel obligated, I’ll retrace some steps and offer up the ‘Cliff Notes’ version of this week in my brain…

(1) Karma…funny thing it is. Tom Cruise’s kid being born on the same day, in the same hospital as Brook Shield’s baby. You have to wonder if he’s stopped by to wish her well and drop off some vitamins. You have to wonder if she's stopped by with a special 'care package' for Katie. Connected forever in some cosmic way these two are…giggle.

(2) Watched an earlier episode of Oprah last night about living on minimum wage. It certainly was an eye opener and I literally went to bed last night with a hole in the pit of my stomach. In addition to the general scope of the show, one comment on the show really hit me and seems to me to be a reasonable expectation of what we should as a nation should use to base the minimum wage rate. One of the guests, Morgan Spurlock (of Super Size Me fame,) made a poignant comment along the lines of it shouldn’t be too much to expect that minimum wage should at a minimum be enough to allow a family of four to live above the poverty level. Spurlock and his fiancé were on the show because they are doing a documentary about their experience of living on minimum wage for 30 days. Even knowing they would eventually return to their lifestyle wasn’t enough to keep them sane during the experiment. By day two they were hungry, tearful, and fighting. According to the data referenced on the show, 30 million Americans work full time and live under these circumstances.

(3) Paula Abdul’s breasteses were quite impressive on Idol last night. I mean the girls were ample and on display with her microphone all snuggled down in there. Yeah, I noticed. Even Simon can’t keep his eyes off ‘em.

(4) General Motors this week announced that they are spending up to $17M a year on ‘performance enhancing drugs’ through their heath coverage plan. Taking liberty and making a few assumptions I suspect this coverage is in place due to the fact that the auto industry is a male dominated and possibly aging workforce. I would like to know how much they spend on birth control for the female employees. As insane as it sounds, I know of companies that won’t provide coverage for birth control under their medical plan, but will pay for up to two abortions a year. I suspect there’s an algorithm out there somewhere that justifies to the suits that this is more cost effective and so it goes. I’m a bit discouraged that our priorities are such that we will willingly spend that kind of money to enable a 62 year old man to ‘get his football through the tire swing’ but not fund the precautions necessary to prevent the natural outcome of ‘scoring.’

(5) I suggest that everyone take a moment and review your household budgets. You’d be surprised how a few minor changes you’ve probably not been thinking about can save you a few bucks. Spurred by our decision to build a new house I went into cost cutting mode. Over this past weekend I contacted our cable company and wireless company and by switching some of our plans around and consolidating some services I found about $100 in monthly savings that I probably could have taken advantage of a long time ago and just never bothered. I have to admit, Oprah’s debt diet is rubbing off on me. Now, if I could just quit smoking again…

(6) Again. Paula’s breasteses…I mean, they were RIGHT THERE. I bet they are soft and pillowy.

(7) Goin’ to see INXS in May. Saw them earlier this year in Philly, but they are my all time favorite band, and while Michael was my first true man crush…I’m very happy with JD as the new singer. These guys are so tight and talented as a band and I’m oh, so thrilled to see them back to work…I shall again indulge myself.

(8) Found this gem on the internet this AM. You too could be a winner! Sent this out as a 'hump day giggle' to a few friends and received back what might be the most perfect response from my friend Bryanne.

"I think the thing that really bugs me about this is that anyone old enough to remember and to have “loved” Rick Astley is now WAY too old to be having a GIANT 8’x6’8” posterboard of Rick Astley in their house.

Seriously."

Yeah...I'd have to agree. Seriously.

Apple of my eye...

Most of my friends and I are products of our environment. We're like little sponges. We soak up all the random pop-culture knowledge we can only to regurgitate it later at an appropriate (or inappropriate, for that matter) moment in time. In some ways I think we've even managed to 'specialize' in certain areas of useless knowledge to the point that when you hear something or see something you can immediately attribute it to an individual.

I had such a moment watching the Family Guy the other night. In the episode, Deep Throats, there is a scene with Peter working at Burger King...and he sings the "Burger King Christmas" song...

Not only did I cry with laughter, but I IMMEDIATELY turned to my husband and was like...

"Oh, I can sooooo hear JT pulling that one out sometime..."

I can't find a clip with the animation of Peter singing the song (although I think the voice over in this clip sounds very similiar), but for those who would like to be in the know...

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/burgerking.html

Pedal to the Metal

Friend Amy just picked up a new car this week with a KICK ASS stereo. I mean it’s a ‘you hear things you’ve never heard before, soooo gonna get you pulled over’ KICK-ASS stereo. To demo the unit to me (heh, heh I said unit) she plugged in some Metallica which was, of course, head bangingly awesome…but then with a giggle and to really display the unit’s capabilities (heh, heh I said unit again) she snuck in and cranked up a little Copacabana on me. Ting, Ting, Ting – Ta, Ting-Ting, Ta-Ting… We looked at each other, bonded in the moment, and without hestiation started to conga in our seats in the driveway.

Her name was Lola…

So, it got me to thinking...one, I soooo want a new car (not in love with the Liberty, sorry Jeep folks) and two…what song or songs could in theory get me pulled over. While I am probably just as likely to get asked for my license and registration to “Sweet Caroline” on any random day, I’ll try to maintain a standard here and limit my submissions to those songs that not only could get me pulled over, but would probably make for an awesome set list in your local strip club.

In no particular order:

Wild Side – Motley Crue
Fantasy – Aldo Nova
Twilight Zone – Golden Earring
Jamie’s Crying – Van Halen
You’ve Got Another Thing Coming – Judas Priest
Thunderstruck – AC/DC
Still of the Night – Whitesnake
Welcome to the Jungle – Guns & Roses
Do Ya Wanna Touch Me – Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
Kickstart My Heart – Motley Crue
Everybody Wants You - Billy Squier

More to come as I think of them. Even a workin' girl deserves a pee break every hour or so...

Joy....and shame

Okay, as much as I have fought the idea of it for years...

(hand raised to stop you from interupting me so I can get this out)

as much as I have resisted recognizing it's significance to our society...

(bowing of head as if to ask for forgivness)

and as much as it PAINS me to admit this...

(clenching teeth and looking away in shame)

the fact is Tuesday night television has left me empty and wanting, so I have become...

(pause for dramatic effect)

an American Idol watcher.

(GASP!)

Yes, I know, I know...there's probably an episode of Law and Order on a third tier channel somewhere that I could fall back on and save what is left of my dignity, and yes, According to Jim is a funny show - but it's only a half hour and then where do I turn, and yes, 24 and Grey's Anatomy are on the DVR...and yes, Lane, I know, I do have the option to KILL MY TV...but people...you must understand and forgive me...

It started off innocently like most addictions do, a little curiousity, a little tease...and dang it, if those blasted audition weeks aren't some of the funniest stuff. That's how they suck you in those first few tries - with laughter, one of the best drugs ever. Sure at some point, it becomes a 'competition' and not so funny anymore, but by then it's too late. You're hooked, you're in moral debt...you need to feed the monster that revels in the sick satisfaction that comes with seeing he who has been built up - be torn down. You've started down a path what will only end come later in May.

One must ask themself, is it just coincidence, American Idol Top 12 -- 12 Steps to Recovery?

I have to say, I think what made it okay for me to allow myself to go to this dark place was the discovery that Pop Tarts is the sponsor of the American Idol tour. I can't begin to contain the giggle that rises inside me when I think about that gem of marketing genius. Is that not just the perfect sponsorship ever!

Okay, with ALL that being said, the REAL point to all of this is that I really have to express how INCREDIBLY hilarious and twisted I find it that they make the contestants sing the song that got them kicked off the show IMMEDIATELY after they find out they are sooo outta there. Ryan revisiting with the judges why you suck, why your hair sucks, why your boots suck, why your song sucked, why your singing sucked...aaaaand -- then...one more time...here's a mic, dab those tears, smile's everyone, and sing us out!!!

FABULOUS.

And apparently the torture doesn't end in that moment. I was home Monday with a sick kid and turned on Regis and Kelly to find Lisa Tucker, the latest Idol contestant to get the boot -- again, having to sing the song that got her kicked off the show. OUCH.

Thankfully, I've managed to stay off the hard stuff. I managed to get through an entire season of Dancing with the Stars and Skating with Celebrities unaffected. I guess there's hope for me after all.

Spank thy neighbor...

Things should get interesting in the neighborhood here shortly. About two years ago, give or take, the house to the right of ours was sold to a family that, to be honest, have not turned out to be the best of neighbors. We thought we might have some sort of connection with them upon first meeting them, the husband is an engineering grad from Penn State, but as time has past, frankly, it’s just not going well.

First off, while I suppose they are ‘nice’ people, the fact is they are ‘strange’ – and while I don’t like to mean that in a negative way, I guess I really do. They are uneasy conversationalists and don’t seem to have any social skills which make them seem confrontational or uncooperative when approached. The wife stays home most of the time, working part time, and has/is home schooling the kids. (Side note: A few education friends and I have debated the idea of home schooling and have concluded that there are two sorts of folk that home school their kids. One might be for genuine concern for the current state of public or private schools or for religious reasons, and the second is because the parents themselves have issues integrating themselves into society and possess control issues and an arrogance in the sense that they think they can do a better job educating their kids than anyone else. Given the interaction I’ve had with this family, I can’t help but feel that arrogance is driving the bus to school on this one.) They also seem to have a certain ‘earthy’ quality about them, which is fine – reduce, reuse, recycle where you can, but truthfully their approach to things and people is a bit awkward for the ‘Truman Show,’ here are the rules, neighborhood we live in.

The family got a pair of dogs last summer, and anyone who knows me knows I love puppies…I covet the neighborhood dogs since we can’t have one of our own. Most of the animals are mild mannered, friendly, quiet and supervised even when outside. However, there are issues with these dogs and this family. Since they got the dogs someone would always walk them out to do their business on those retractable leashes, yet dispite having 'control' of the animals they seemed to feel it was appropriate to allow the leads out far enough that the dogs could come into my yard, in my driveway, etc to perform the task at hand and do nothing to clean it up. On more than one occasion I’ve had visitors step in the waste while outside helping my husband do something with the house…not exactly the ‘thank you’ I’d care to extend. Free spirit or not, one must still mind those pet manners, and I’m just not feeling it.

Over the past few months while exchanging brief words with the family, I learned they were going to be installing an invisible fence for the dogs. This whole deal has created some grumbling amongst the neighbors because upon having the property surveyed, it would seem they did not necessarily use the right property map on file with the county and had their yard marked out beyond what anyone would agree is their land. The owners of the two houses behind us have had the most trouble in dealing with these people and a few verbal bombs have been thrown about because both these families have had their properties surveyed since buying their homes and the survey these new people insist on using most definitely cuts into the other people’s yards and into the ‘neutral zone’ designated by our property association between the homes.

Well, this is where it gets interesting. The invisible fence didn’t happen. The five/six foot wooden fence did…and they had no hesitation in having it installed right where their survey said it could go. In doing so, they have most definitely fenced in the ‘neutral zone’ and possibly have damaged some landscaping done by one of the families. I’ve spoken with the husband from one of the houses and he is rip-roaring mad and the dirt is going to fly on this. I even have some questions about the fence as it runs along our property…it’s dead on the property line and I need to check with our home owners association to see if that is allowable or if there must be some sort of buffer.

In other words, this summer is going to be the summer of NEIGHBOR WARS, SUBURB DEVELOPMENT STYLE.

All this leads up to what is my real concern. I’ve been watching the dogs from our deck and in just a matter of days the same dogs that were literally led around by their necks yet still uncontained for a year or more are now left outside unattended for HOURS…with little if no ‘integration’ into the new environment. So far, I wouldn’t classify them as bad dogs, but they are big enough with tons of puppy energy and are wrestlers, barkers, and possibly diggers and it’s just a matter of time until they exercise their new found freedom and become jumpers (I’ve already caught the one practicing.) Once these animals figure out that the slope of the yard is literally a launch ramp to get over the fence, I figure it’s just a matter of time until one of them makes it over and chases down whatever it previously was only able to bark at. I’m going to have serious issues with this should it happen given I will have a two year old running amuck come summertime, and while I know I’m going to be responsible for keeping an eye on her in my yard…there might only be so much about this situation under my control and not having much confidence in the abilities of the owners next door doesn't help.

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